I went to a show a while ago hoping to see
Some intelligent and witty stand-up comedy
But the audience were laughing like a raucous mob
Because some bloke told a joke about his enormous knob

The applause continued as he caused more mirth
By bragging about its length and its girth
He picked on me and said I had a tiny dick
He said it’s so small I could use it as a ‘cocktail stick’

The act reached a climax with a rapid flow
Of in-out in-out innuendo
By the end the entire room was laughing at me
But I don’t know why, because jokes about genitalia just aren’t funny

I don’t find toilet humour vile
I don’t even mind if it’s juvenile
But I fail to see the jocularity
Of rude words for bodily functions
I don’t give a shit if it’s puerile
It’s just that it doesn’t make me smile
To hear you talk about your pork truncheon

There's one time that I recall when I was still at school
With my mates sat at the back of the hall
In an assembly consisting of the usual mix
Of the headmaster's sermons and amateur magic tricks

We were meant to repent in silent prayer if we’d sinned
It was then I felt an urgent urge to pass wind
My chums soon begun to snigger and chortle
As I released the pressure of my rear digestive portal

We all got dentention and a thousand lines
I got the shit kicked out of me several times
But it was their fault for laughing ultimately
Because gaseous anal emissions just aren’t funny

I know you’ve no time for satire
However witty, worthy or well-penned
But I find it confusing that you’d find it more amusing
If I just said: "A big throbbing glistening bell-end!"

"A big throbbing glistening bell-end!"

I was chugging on the loo until I blew my plug
Out writhed a turd the size of a giant slug
From my bleeding crack oozed a stream of muddy paste
A swinging pendulum of slimy human waste

And as I surveyed the bowl and the contents therein
Splattered against the smooth porcelain
I flushed away any trace of irony
Because toilet humour just isn’t funny