Dodgy nightclub!
Dodgy nightclub!
I've just been to a dodgy nightclub

Dodgy nightclubs, you know the score
I think we've all been there before
A friend of a friend invited me
To his 21st birthday party

I was too polite to abstain
So I stood in the queue in the pissing rain
After an hour or so when we gained entry
We found the whole place entirely empty

They had kept us waiting just to make it look like it was busy

The bouncers were frustrated thugs
They confiscated all my drugs
And later tried to sell them back to me
But I'd spent all my money on a single Martini

An ugly bint came up to me
I got the hint almost instantly
"Wanna buy us a drink?", she said to me
In a tone I think meant seductively

What do you take me for? You fucking whore!

Dodgy nightclub!
It's a meat market
Dodgy nightclub!
It's complete shit
Dodgy nightclub!
The only consolation is the thought of the kebab shop down the road

I went for a piss in the bog
Some bloke accused me of looking at his knob
I nearly got in a fight, but I was saved
By the toilet attendant spraying us with aftershave

I refuse to tip you for merely handing me a paper towel!

Dodgy nightclub!

I got bored so I went for a roam
On the dancefloor I got covered in foam
Then I found myself surrounded by slags
And tripped over an enourmous pile of handbags

Never before had I seen so many stupid and ugly women

I tried to escape, but there was no chance
George Michael put me in a trance
Amidst girls trying to dance provocatively
And lads just trying to dance

And looking like huge lumps of turgid meat gyrating with awkward and spasmodic gestures

Dodgy nightclub!
It's a meat market
Dodgy nightclub!
It's complete shit
Dodgy nightclub!

Dodgy nightclub!