I met an old mate who I hadn't seen in years
I suggested we go and get a few beers
He said, "No, I only drink coffee these days"
That's when I knew that he'd changed his ways

Instead he took me to a trendy cafe
I ordered a tea, and he, a Latte
When he put his wallet down I should have known
Because then out came the Marlboro Lights and the mobile phone

At this point, perhaps I should explain
How it was I knew Brian - for that was his name

Back at Uni we were best buddies
We both did 'Communication Studies'
And we did what most students do
Formed a revolutionary sect with a membership of two

But we didn't oppose capitalism or the throne
Our only enemy was the mobile phone
And for this plight of this cause we tried to play a part
That was the start...

Of The Mobile Phone Resistance Front
The Mobile Phone Resistance Front
If you've got one, our manifesto states
That you're a cunt

"What is that?", I said, pointing to his phone
And apparently oblivious to my sarcastic tone
He proudly picked up the matchbox-shaped device
And said, "It's a Nokia 900 - I got it reduced price"

He proceeded to bore me with useless information
About its various features and specifications
Then he paused briefly, but only to say
"I once got thirty text messages in the space of a day!"

That's really something to phone home about
But there was no need, because it turned out they were all from his mother

Just then I heard an annoying high-pitched moan
Which I soon discovered was a novelty ring tone
He began a conversation once he'd stopped the thing vibrating
But twenty minutes later I was still sat there waiting

Next he sent a text, irredeemably inane
And then started playing a sub-Gameboy standard game
It was then I realised this man was no longer my friend
That was the end

Of The Mobile Phone Resistance Front
The Mobile Phone Resistance Front
If you've got one, our manifesto states
That you're a cunt

I recall fondly
The days when we
Were in the moral majority
When he who owned a phone was known
Disparagingly as a yuppie

But I've watched all
My comrades fall
Treacherously trying to be fashionable
One-by-one they've all succumbed
Enthralled by the pay-as-you-go call

"It's been good to talk", I lied, "Brian, you haven't changed at all"
And as I got up to leave, he said, "yeah, give us a call"

I left the cafe but a few yards down the road
I saw another bloke and realised I was being followed
But before I even had a chance to run
He said "giz us ya fuckin phone or i'll smack ya one!"

I was less annoyed by his aggression
Than by his assumption of what I had in my possession
Then I asked him if he really thought they were essential to his life
At which point he produced a two-foot long knife

I said, "There's no point in mugging me as I don't have a phone
But I know a man who has...

He's just over there, he's in that cafe!
If you just wait outside he'll soon be on his way!
He's got a Nokia 900, it's yours if you want it!
You might have to rough him up a bit, but that phone's got your name on it!"

After that me and Brian lost touch
But I have to say I don't mind that much
I heard a nasty rumour that he'd been mugged and glassed
Now I'm the last

Of The Mobile Phone Resistance Front
The Mobile Phone Resistance Front
If you've got one, our manifesto states
That you're a cunt