Why has no-one ever written
A song about the canals of Britain?
Our waterways are in decline
They’ve been neglected far too long
Surely now it is time
We celebrate them in the form of song!

Oh, canals, canals of Britain
Canals, canals of Britain
They’re full of shopping trolleys and sacks of dead kittens
Oh, canals, canals of Britain

Why has no-one composed an aria
About the economy of former Yugoslavia?
It slumped in the wake of ethnic cleansing
But it’s currently facing a property boom
What better way to explain fiscal policy
Than words set to a catchy tune?

Oh, the economy of former Yugoslavia
The economy of former Yugoslavia
Your exports have got a lot hardier
The economy of former Yugoslavia

If art reflects society
Then why is there no variety
In the subject matter of songs today?
When there’s so many other things to say!

Why has no-one ever penned a verse
About the life of a veterinary nurse?
Admittedly there’s nothing pretty
About a hamster getting a lethal injection
But why not thank them with a special ditty
For treating your dog’s anal infection?

Oh, veterinary nurse
Oh, veterinary nurse
If you hadn’t swabbed his boil, it would have got a lot worse
Thank you, veterinary nurse

I think we’ve all had quite enough
Of songs about love and that sort of stuff
A million things have been missed out
One day I’ll write a song about...

Marbles, and wigwams
Gollywogs, and pension plans
Bicycles and turnips
Tribal women who stretch their lips

Teenwolf and bees wax
Ramadan, and council tax
Lucozade and gibbons
The social history of decorative ribbons

Herpes, paper rounds
Gramophones, and collective nouns
Semaphore and biscuits
Early fourteenth-century metaphysics

Pondlife and tin-foil
Genocide, and the erosion of soil
Megatron, Peter Andre
Romney, Hythe & Dymchurch Railway