I think I saw John Nettles at Gatwick airport
He was with his family waiting for a plane
I’m pretty certain that I saw Harry Enfield
On a crazy-golf course in the south of Spain

When I was doing part-time work in Millets
I served someone who looked a little bit like Donna Summer
You know that cod heavy-metal band The Darkness?
My old flatmate used to go out with their drummer

I recently discovered I’m related to Barbarossa
I found out when I researched my family tree
Well, I refuse to believe that for a second
Because, according to my genealogist, that’s actually me!

I’ve met one of the Star Trek crew
My uncle knows someone who almost snogged the one who played Troy
Robinson Crusoe was loosely based on my neighbour’s grandfather's
green-grocer’s ex-rentboy

What’s your claim to fame? What’s your claim to fame?
What’s your tenuous connection to a household name?
What’s your claim to fame? What’s your claim to fame?
I own all of Roy Castle's old christmas cards

Last year I had an emergency kidney transplant
And the organ donor was Billy Ocean’s dog
I once conceived of a new flavour of Twiglet
Which turned out to be akin to Gazza’s recipe for eggnog

Once when I was potholing in the 70s
I found Beyonce's corpse in a cave in Japan
Growing on my back there’s hideous praline-like carapace
That smells a bit like Gloria Estifan

I found the remains of Deborah Harry's miscarriage
I found it too at the back of my garage, it looked vaguely like Oliver Stone
Beneath my grandmother’s mammery glands lives a tiny woman who ardently claims to be the rightful heir to the Polish throne

What’s your claim to fame? What’s your claim to fame?
What’s your pathetic anecdote that makes your life seem less mundane?
What’s your claim to fame? What’s your claim to fame?
When I was camping as a boy scout, I rolled over in the dark in my sleeping bag and accidently touched Samuel Pepys' anus

It was actually me that built Stonehenge originally
On an time-travelling bender that’s not happened yet
Once when I was directing a midget porn film
I dialled a wrong number and got through to Roy Orbison’s laundrette

I knew a tramp who fought at Agincort
I knew one who thought he was Barney the dinosaur
And he couldn’t say the word "lime"
Mardi Gras was invented to celebrate the first moment I ever touched lichen
But it's true meaning has been lost over time

Me and Michael Aspel drink the same beer
I regurgitated Gwyneth Paltrow's ear
In a past life I groomed Hitler's pig
My ancestor made Marco Polo’s wig
I knew a koala was born without a face
I was the first hermaphrodite in space
I did the voices for Optimus Prime
I invented time!

My uncle was one of first men to renounce mormonism in favour of worshipping a giraffe-like deity called 'Hammersmith'