Jamie Oliver and Nigella Lawson
I'm gonna boil you in a saucepan
I'm gonna marinate you in a garlic sauce
And serve you up with parsnips as the main course

Jeremy, oh Jeremy Clarkson
I'm gonna play Death Race 2010
I'm gonna score a hundred points when I run you over
In my F-Reg GTI Rover

Fame, it's not the same as it used to be
Any tosser can be a celebrity
I'm stalking you
But don't let it go to your head
I know where you live
It's just that I want you dead

Charlie Dimmock and Alan Titmarsh
When you're next doing an inane horticultural task
I'm gonna murder you with a hoe
And bury under my patio

Laurence Llewelyn Bowen
I'm gonna use pliers to cut open your scrotum
I'm gonna use your blood and semen to paint my kitchen
And make nice little stencils out of your facial skin

Fame, it's not the same as it used to be
Any tosser can be a celebrity
I'm stalking you
But don't let it go to your head
I know where you live
It's just that I want you dead

Cilla Black – date rape
Ant & Dec – forced mutual cannibalism
Jim Davidson – snooker cue up arse
Chris Tarrant – phone a friend to hear him scream
Graham Norton – acid injected into his silly little eyes
Noel Edmonds – napalm gunge tank
Jerry Springer – botched sex-change ordeal
Richard Whitely – time bomb in his car
Vanessa Phelps – blinded and pushed into a minefield