MANOWAR             ANVIL             GRIM REAPER             DEATH             IRON MAIDEN

'Safe Sex'

Yank it, crank it
Piggies in a blanket
Clean your gun
when it’s all done

Give me sleaze
and not disease

Arrow’s in the quiver
When you’re ready to deliver
Weenie wrap
to collect the sap

'Five Knuckle Shuffle'

All I wanna do
is beat my meat
Shakin’ steak,
what a treat!

Stroke it, stroke it
really hard
I wanna watch it
blow a yard

Don’t you worry when you
spank the chimp
It don’t mean that
you’re a wimp
Chokin’ the chicken
just ain’t no joke

All I wanna do
is shake my stick
cos pullin’ my pecker
really does the trick

As well as indulging in the usual metal vices (leather, big hair, unfounded righteousness, etc.), Anvil also have a great penchant for dirty schoolboy smut. When you consider that almost all heavy metal is about confused male urges manifesting themselves in a number of preposterous and often effeminate guises (combined with a deification of certain macho stereotypes in order to cover their tracks), it’s refreshing to hear a band getting straight to the point and singing about masturbation (see: ‘Five Knuckle Shuffle’).

While it is true that the majority of Anvil’s songs cover the same grease-clogged ground as most metal bands (historic legends, violence, unfounded righteousness, etc.) there are also moments of candid introspection. Songs such as ‘Knob Tickler and ‘Local Muff’ touchingly convey the sort of lecherous lustings that can only belong to four sweaty men clad in leather.

No other purveyor of hard rock has even come close to matching the breathtaking honesty of anthems like ‘When My Pants Are Down’ and ‘Show Me Your Tits’. In addition to these rare heartfelt admissions, Anvil also retain a sense of emotional integrity even when broaching the topic of sexual diseases, as can be heard in the cautionary tone of songs like ‘Pussy Poison’, ‘Safe Sex’ and ‘March Of The Crabs’.

Needless to say, the fact the band are a bunch of anachronistic perverts has done little to damage their career. Indeed, like all metallers who have long since outlived their adolescence – and thus lost their sole source of inspiration – Anvil are still going strong.

Thematic relevance to teenage boys: 10/10
Unfounded righteousness rating: 6
Reinforcement of masturbatory stereotype bonus: +9
Dedication to fulfilling the prophesy of Spinal Tap: 9.2

MANOWAR             ANVIL             GRIM REAPER             DEATH             IRON MAIDEN